THE DOORS opened, and many eyes squinted in the bright sunshine.

Larger than life bodies clad in overstretched activewear wobbled towards the road, joints creaking and new running shoes squeaking.

“Yeah, been a bit hard to get off the couch ay,” local man Brian Marsden quipped, fresh from crawling out of the latest COVID lockdown to look out the front door at the hoardes of neighbours emerging onto the street.

“I’m pretty keen to hit the pub, but probably gotta hit the pavement first otherwise I won’t fit through the bloody door of the place the way they have it all roped up

The phenomenon known as COVID-Spread has exploded throughout the local population. Despite being allowed out for an hour of exercise a day, many people took the opportunity to get a bit of fresh air before heading straight back inside to binge on more Netflix.

“It’s a serious issue, a major health crisis,” public health expert Dr Edmona Corona said.

“Aside from the obvious largesse, symptoms include Burger Ring fingers, snacks festering between couch cushions, suddenly tightening clothing, and an overwhelming sense of ‘meh’,” she stated.

“Other common side effects of the condition can also include excess sourdough and decorative cake consumption, hobby-related injuries, and hoarding of bog roll, baked beans and spaghetti bolognaise ingredients.”

Re-emerging from his well-stocked pantry, Mr Marsden next turned to clothing options now he was allowed outside into public again.

“Look, I think I still have a Halloween costume that fits? Must be in the back of the wardrobe somewhere I reckon,” he said, stroking his recently-acquired triple chin.

Mr Marsden was last seen ambling towards the local watering hole wearing a dragon costume.

IT STARTED with a few choice clicks of the ol’ tongs and a good scrape and swipe of oil.

The sausages were primed. The onion had been chopped. A beer was in hand. It was time.

A history-making moment, local dad Dave McClean rolled the Weber out in anticipation of the silly season, when the heat of summer hits and the missus breathes a sigh of relief that the oven didn’t need to go on for dinner each sweltering night.

As the gas was cranked and the hotplate sizzled away following a liberal splash of beer, the first snag and pile of onion hit the barbie. This was the scent of summer.

“Yeah mate, it’s a bit of a tradition ay,” Dave said.

“Top moment, busting out the barbie for summer the first time,” he said, with a couple of tears in his eyes (which we’re still not sure was from sheer triumph or raw onion).

Soon enough, the friendly faces of neighbours popped up over fences and deck balconies, keen not to miss the achievement.

“Havin’ a BBQ there ay Davo?” called Simmo.

“Yeah smells pretty good mate,” chimed Bazza, “Where’d ya get ya snags from?”

“Want a hand Davo? Got a slab I can bring round too ay,” Jonno yelled.

Before he knew it, there were about 20 people at his place, the ladies doing the most work whipping up salads, the kids running amuck in the neighbour’s pool, and mates in arms critiquing snag techniques and adding the odd bit of beer to the hotplate for a ‘bit of extra flavour, ay’.

“Aw yeah look we were just gonna have a quiet family dinner, but y’know when they come round with more snags, beer and a bunch of good yarns ya can’t say no, can ya?” Davo said with a smile.

“And to be honest, probably best they get in now before we get overrun with Christmas beetles ’cause they never go too good with hot BBQs, and before the silly season really gets going and we spend most arvos pissed as parrots I reckon…”

Our reporter stayed for a snag in bread….and a bit of wombok noodle salad.

TAKING OUT Swoop Insurance for a mob of magpies has proved to be a wise move for local homeowner Kim McHannigan.

With Spring well and truly sprung in the region, residents have already begun donning bike helmets adorned with zip ties and ice cream containers with eyes and other decorations in a bid to deter the kamikazi-ing black and white avian army.

Routinely mauraded by a pack of resident magpies, things really hit a turning point for McHannigan after she was bailed up by six of them in her kitchen one morning.

“I dunno how, but these hungry fellas figured out how to use the doggy-door and busted their way into the house,” she said.

“They were after some tucker but they were too busy holding me hostage way too far from the fridge. The negotiations were insane.”

Intensely recalling the apparently ‘hectic’ situation, McHannigan decided promptly that Swoop Insurance was needed.

“Yeah, like you just try and be friends with ’em and give ’em food and stuff so they stop swooping you or pestering you for grub. They’re just trying to look after their little ones up in the nest, doesn’t really help you out, but,” McHannigan said.

“Apparently mince is real bad, doesn’t have enough calcium and can get stuck and rot their beak out, but a bit of dog food or some insects goes down alright!”

With dog food the ‘payment’ of choice, next step is getting the home’s dog on board.

The magpies were reached for comment, but declined, instead swooping and pecking out the eye of our reporter who remains in a stable condition in hospital.

The latest bit of greenery to join local pop yoga fanatic Kelsie Grenard’s apartment is sincerely hoping to outlast its previous appointee.

The hardy sansevieria was last seen cowering in the corner, being subject to serenades, overwatering, and a serious lack of sunlight.

“So I grew up in this beautiful nursery right. Then I get shipped off halfway round the country without so much as a chance to pack my soil with me,” the disgruntled houseplant began.

“And then, like, being at the hardware store I ended up at was pretty rough…but geez, this poorly thought out apartment situation, it’s next level stuff,” it said, terrified.

As an impulse buy after the former plant carked it from being supplied weekly with enough fertiliser and water to keep a wheat farm running for a year, the sanseviera is at this point happy to just survive for the next few months.

Early twenty-something Kelsie is far more confident in her new family member sticking around though.

“These plants, they’re my babies!!” she squealed.

“I just love them so much, and you know, like how they filter your air indoors and stuff? Apparently they’re heaps better than crystals for that sort of thing though. Ooh actually excuse me I should probably go water it again, it’s been more than an hour now!”

The ATO website has been subject to ongoing DDOS attacks since July 1, a senior government IT security spokesperson who wishes to remain nameless has revealed.

“We’ve seen it take a real hit,” he said.

“It’s been enormous, I’m talking in the order of from millions of different IP addresses at a time.”

Meanwhile Craig McGarry of Brisbane is just one of the many of Australians who have been locked out from accessing the government tax reporting website.

“Yeah mate, been trying to log into the bloody thing for the past couple of days,” he said.

“Have just been trying and trying ’round the clock, really want to lodge me return so I can get some money back in time for them relaxing all those ‘rona restrictions and letting us back into the pubs, and I reckon everyone else around the country would be doing the same.”

When asked about the source of such attacks which have left millions of Australians in the dire situation of having to repeatedly try to access the site to report their tax details after the new financial year began this week, the government security bigwig simply said ‘investigations are continuing’, but conceded it’d probably just be easier to blame it on China.

In a move that has shocked the general populace, researchers have found seagulls are definitely worse than ibises.

Affectionately known as ‘bin chickens’, these smelly, public rubbish receptacle parasites have been narrowly edged out from their previous top spot on the list by those seaside dwelling beady-eyed bandits.

With expert avian researchers accounting for numerous characteristics in making their classification, ultimately it came down to the fact that seagulls have absolutely no shame when it comes to stealing hot chips, with the brazen bastards highly likely to eat your fingers off as well in the process. They noted that at least ibises mostly waited til you’d put said chips in the bin before having a bite.

There was some contention over whether the pelican should have instead nabbed the number one position, however results were inconclusive after the researcher charged with the task ended up getting eaten by a pelican test subject and could not complete the study.