THE DOORS opened, and many eyes squinted in the bright sunshine. Larger than life bodies clad in overstretched activewear wobbled towards the road, joints creaking and new running shoes squeaking. “Yeah, been a bit hard to get off the couch ay,” local man Brian Marsden quipped, fresh from crawling out of the latest COVID lockdownContinue reading “COVID-Spread a Bigger Issue Than COVID Spread?”
Author Archives: theabsentbeernews
Local Dad Preps BBQ for the Silly Season
IT STARTED with a few choice clicks of the ol’ tongs and a good scrape and swipe of oil. The sausages were primed. The onion had been chopped. A beer was in hand. It was time. A history-making moment, local dad Dave McClean rolled the Weber out in anticipation of the silly season, when theContinue reading “Local Dad Preps BBQ for the Silly Season”
Swoop Insurance Proves to be Solid Investment
TAKING OUT Swoop Insurance for a mob of magpies has proved to be a wise move for local homeowner Kim McHannigan. With Spring well and truly sprung in the region, residents have already begun donning bike helmets adorned with zip ties and ice cream containers with eyes and other decorations in a bid to deterContinue reading “Swoop Insurance Proves to be Solid Investment”
COVID lockdown doesn’t stop local snake trying out new restaurant
Local snake Waylan Slithers has defied a recently enacted COVID lockdown to try out a new restaurant in town. Despite now being quite possibly the worst time to dine in at an all you can eat buffet, Mr Slithers thought he’d give it a crack. “I’m jusssst exssssploring more dining optionssss,” he hissed. “I’m hereContinue reading “COVID lockdown doesn’t stop local snake trying out new restaurant”
Local mum wondering if it’s too early for wine after finding winter wonderland in living room
Local mum Vanessa Carbury has stumbled upon a freak snowstorm in her very own living room just after 7 am today. Going against all weather forecasts for the region, the winter wonderland came as quite a shock, however there was no hint of disappointment in the inclement weather for her two young daughters. The youngstersContinue reading “Local mum wondering if it’s too early for wine after finding winter wonderland in living room”
New household greenery hopes to last longer than previous houseplant
The latest bit of greenery to join local pop yoga fanatic Kelsie Grenard’s apartment is sincerely hoping to outlast its previous appointee. The hardy sansevieria was last seen cowering in the corner, being subject to serenades, overwatering, and a serious lack of sunlight. “So I grew up in this beautiful nursery right. Then I getContinue reading “New household greenery hopes to last longer than previous houseplant”
DDOS attacks reported on ATO website
The ATO website has been subject to ongoing DDOS attacks since July 1, a senior government IT security spokesperson who wishes to remain nameless has revealed. “We’ve seen it take a real hit,” he said. “It’s been enormous, I’m talking in the order of from millions of different IP addresses at a time.” Meanwhile CraigContinue reading “DDOS attacks reported on ATO website”
Researchers find seagulls definitely worse than bin chickens
In a move that has shocked the general populace, researchers have found seagulls are definitely worse than ibises. Affectionately known as ‘bin chickens’, these smelly, public rubbish receptacle parasites have been narrowly edged out from their previous top spot on the list by those seaside dwelling beady-eyed bandits. With expert avian researchers accounting for numerousContinue reading “Researchers find seagulls definitely worse than bin chickens”
The Absent Beer 